Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I feel sick.

I'm home and I feel really, really sick. I think I'm going to throw up any minute. My head has started to spin. My stomach is turning inside out. Have I got swine flu? I really feel like shit. I'm shaking. It feels really, really cold even though it's not cold. Not really sure what's going on. I seriously though I was going to throw up on the buss on from Brooklyn to Queens. Everything was spinning. Tried to talk on my cellphone but couldn't even maintain a normal conversation on the phone without even feeling more sick. I feel slow.

I'm tired of Queens btw. Went to Williamsburg today to pick up Kirsten's cooler that has been at M's place for some time. I miss Williamsburg. Just the style, the look, the people, the feeling of the place... everything. Queens is boring. I should move. At the same time I don't want to pay for living in Brooklyn and I know I should stay here. How boring this area now is.

Hanged out with M for a while. Slightly awkward probably at times. Started to feel sick, couldn't focus, just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Get the throw up feeling out from my body. Felt like I couldn't focus. I think I'm seriously starting to loose my head.

Walking home with my cooler it was like closing a chapter, again. Me and M are done. It's so obvious. It makes me sad thinking about it. At the same time I want us to have a friendship but I don't know how well that's going to work. That makes me sad too. I wish time could just turn back.. start everything over... know the mistakes... know it all and just correct everything. They say that you do not know what you had until you lose it, so true. At the same time I lost several people at times and it's always hard to move on but once things get going, life gets better. Right now I just feel, why couldn't this just work? Why? Why do all other people succeed with their people and life? Am I the fuck up here? I feel like a cartoon and it's not even funny.

I feel so weird. Like I'm not in my body, instead I'm looking at myself. I'm paranoid today. I feel sick, weak, sad.... Today I just wanted to lay down and cry over my desk at work. I have no idea why I would want to do that. I just feel empty. Minute by minute is passing but I feel like I'm not here. What is wrong with me right now???? I think I'm losing it or getting really sick.

Everything is just piling up. Celina is gone, stupid L on the facebook chat and living with the fact of being one instead of two. Turn back time, fix all the mistakes, correct and patch with people from the history and create -That's what I would like to do, but it's not possible. Until then, I'm just going to go to bed.

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