Saturday, September 5, 2009

Something happened.... in my head...

So something really happened a couple of minutes ago, in my head. I spoke to Ylva on the phone. We haven't spoken since Christmas, she lives in Gothenburg in Sweden.

I was trying to explain what I have been up to for the past 8 months. In a short story I was trying to explain how I went from being unemployed to getting a job and everything around. On the way to move back to Europe, selling my furniture, then getting a job, getting a messed up visa situation, M that went from being a really supportive person to complete ass, lost and confusion for many months & not knowing what to do, a trip to Canada, re-building my life and just figuring out if I can get my feet back on this planet.... Everything in so typical Linda-spirit it's unbelievable. I realize it now afterward.

Anyway, Ylva said something that just hit my head: "But he already finished the relationship long time ago, way before you even decided to move and then didn't move. Closing off everything. You just didn't know it."

Am I blind? It's so obvious. Here I have gone to believe that I messed up everything when it right from the beginning was always meant to be until I moved. Then when I didn't move everything just disconnected. The problem was that I never knew. It's so hard to see and feel seriousness. I guess I'm a bit wanting to believe more than it actually was meant to be. It hurts. Yes.

Therefore, the new thing: I'm not moving anywhere. I live here. I live in NYC. This is my home. If and when I decide to move it's in the future. For now this is my home. No more I should move, maybe I should had moved. I live here.

Breath in, breath out. Stop thinking. At least I feel that I have gone somewhere with my head today instead of just standing still.

The following criteria is on my list for finding a person:
-Knowing who he is.
-No preconceived thoughts about life.
-Able to feel interest, embrace and try various things on this planet, no: "I don't like this this, therefore I'm not going to do it."
-Wants to see the world.
-Interest in design, art... Creating. No Artist/Bartender though.
-Passion for something in life, doesn't matter what as long as there is a focus in life.
-Able to see outside and handle tough conversations, critique and think outside the box.
-Supportive and able to handle a lot of pressure.
-Being able to handle someone with 4 million questions and analyses about this planet and life.
-Easy entertained.
-No complaining, life is what it is.
But most important... Happy, satisfied, no complaining... being able to embrace life for what it is.

The list can be longer.

I am not crazy. I'm just the one that didn't get the memo about the story from the beginning.

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