I can't take this.

Ok, so I was supposed to start my Saturday on a positive note but I got completely thrown off. Called my parents and apparently "someone" told my mom that I might be flying to Japan for Christmas and New Years. My mom goes BANANAS on the phone: " NEEEEJJJJJ! I think you feel VERY FAR AWAY right now. Don't you miss your mom ever?" Should I add that she had that complainy voice, like taken from a movie?

Oh please, jump on a damn plan if it's so important to see me. I know the money are not there for them doing it but why am I the only one that's supposed to fly over there? Really? I live here. Always this make-Linda feel-guilty crap. I have a job in this country. I live here. So god damn selfish that I just get sick. I'm annoyed, oh yes. My friends parents travel around the world. People come visit and enjoy everything that NYC has to offer. I start to believe that I'm adopted.

Who knows, sooner or later I might end up in that country but not now. I'm not ready and I'm not sure if I ever will be ready. I just get this f e a r in my body imagine myself living over there. Also, if I can't live in the city and have to live in some half-sleepy suburban family area, I simply do not want to live in that country. I want an apartment in the center of the city, well picked. Otherwise I have a feeling I will go through some major depression of adapting back to a country if I ever had to do it. I'm not interested in the stereotype life of living over there. Life is to short to just adapt to the pattern of how life "should" be lived. Actually, if I would end up in Europe, I was thinking London for a while. Language is not a problem, big city and lots of opportunities to explore. The only weird thing with London though is that their pubs and going out places close at 11 or 12pm. What's up with that? So weird! With this paragraph I will probably be hated, but this is my blog, deal with it.

I really don't need this type of crap. I have enough on my mind as it is. I need support. I just need to feel good, enjoy the moment. Rebuilding, forgetting, just continue to swim even though I don't want to some days.

It really feels like 2007. Like someone just turned back time and that 2 years of my life never passed. 2007 was really the year of trying for everything. Never giving up, so much crap. As then, the same thing has to be applied. Breath in, breath out and just try. Not knowing what the outcome would be. So much falling down and no success with several things but the attempts were there to embrace everything back then. If you just try enough, the positive outcome appears when you least expect it. Therefore, no need to worry, just live minute by minute.

Ok, have to get going. Meeting Yean later.