Gone and back again.

Everyone that goes away comes back sooner or later. Once again proven. Let's see what the outcome will be of this.

Linda loves Jewish Holidays!

Not really sure what Jewish Holiday it is today but I didn't have to go to work. So I spent my day on the phone doing various stuff that had to be done. Planning for the future is the new deal. Now I'm going to attempt to put up the mirror in my room. Not really sure what the outcome will be of that....

Still super, duper excited about Japan! Also about my new handmade earrings that I made at Kirsten's place yesterday.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to babysit that Jaden kid at her place. Apparently I'm very loved by 4 year olds. I have no idea how this happened but Emma's mom recommended me to this family so now I'm hanging there once in a while I guess. I don't mind. Extra cash is always nice and the kids are such an inspiration. My little customers in action. Who knew that me and kids would work.

Etsy shop created.

Just set up an Etsy shop. Yes, craft business it is. Trying to convince my mom that she should start selling her knitted stuff, so I set up a shop for her. Time to start to test sell. Scandinavian Knits to the US... That's the new deal. It's disgusting, my mind is slightly sell brainwashed and I can so see that this can fly, otherwise I wouldn't take the time and effort to deal with it. My mom just need some new products.

Inspiration and new ideas is the thing this fall! So much that can be done, it's so exciting!!

OMG!

It's DONE! I bought my ticket to TOKYO! It's DONE! Now I'm going to jump up and down for a while and just dance! My dream for many, many, many years is going to come true! JAPAN here I come! Dec. 25th - Jan. 5h are my travel dates. EXCITING! Even found a ticket that was $200 cheaper due to my flexible travel dates.

I feel it in my body, my head, my mood everything - this will be one of the best things I have done in my life! Life is AWESOME! Now the problem is how on earth I'm going to be able to stop talking about this 24/7 to everyone and everything........................................................................................................................................... I'M GOING TO JAPAN!

Mrs. Anna Anka.

My mom is upset at the "Swedish Hollywoodwife" show with Anna Anka that right now is airing in Sweden. Apparently she turned off the show after watching for a few minutes during the first episode, refusing to watch anymore. This show, I do not understand what people are so upset about, really. You can see that parts of it is just for the show. Who cares?

For anyone that hasn't heard about this "high quality" reality show it's about 3 Swedish women that married rich on the West Coast. People are upset as hell about Anna Anka's opinions about how a marriage should work, money, attitude... You name it. Oh please, you can see that it's all to provoke at some parts. The woman seems nuts though.

Whatever, for anyone that has time and energy to get upset about Paul Anka's wife on this show, need to get a life. They are crazy, yes. Are they funny? No. It's just a show to provoke and the producers are doing a hell of a good job to upset the people in "mellanmjolks" Sverige with jantelagen. It's pretty funny, I see production like this how good the people behind are to sell it to the mainstream market. Being upset about it? Forget about it, I got more imprtant things to do.

The moment.

I have been sitting here thinking for a while now. Yesterday I had a somewhat interesting conversations with one of my co-workers. I was supposed to play tennis yesterday in Prospect Park and I was telling her about it. Said that Kelly was going to teach me and Kirsten. Then the different topics started jumping from Rosetta Stone language cds, boyfriends, curiosity, learning new things to how people are. Not really sure how all this all happened but it just did.

Long time ago I mentioned M to her and a short summary of the story. I'm really clear what I want in a new person, thanks to M. I'm simply not going to compromise some things personality wise. I mentioned some things to my co-worker. In a nutshell, I simply need a curious person that is not afraid of things or change. Someone that one day wouldn't mind moving to the other side of the planet. Someone that sees the planet as a whole and not just one place. International. Similar history of living. Or as my other co-worker put it: "You're adventures..... I just wish I had the ability to do something like that and move that far away from home, but I don't." So someone that function that way too.

My co-worker looked at me and said it's hard to find someone that is interested in the whole planet, different cultures, languages etc, especially in NY where everone is just on their own mission. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to school with those people and I have met so many of them. They are all out there. It's just a matter of finding them. But it's probably true to some point that most people have no interest in being international and rather just stick to one thing because it's a pattern and simple.

Maiko has probably lived at 10 places all over the world, West Coast, East Coast, London, Israel, New Zealand and she is born in Japan. She found an Italian guy in New York and they moved to Illinois for 6 months, moved to San Fransisco for 1 1/2 year and some months ago moved to England.

My other friend Maiko is born in Japan, lived in Paris for 6 years. Her husband is Japanese, lived in Chicago for a while and now they live in Australia. Travel a lot and every time I hear from Maiko she is on the way somewhere.

So there are people out there that are ready for change. It's just a matter of finding them and that they have the same mindset. And really, I concluded in the weird conversation that it's not even about the international part. It's more about curiosity, being able to embrace someone else interest and respect for another person. Just those things in a person's personality works fine. Working as a good team member instead of against is also a good personality. Having struggled a little bit is also good, creates the reality that nothing last forever and a gratefulness for everything that is around.

Even though other people don't seem to believe in my hope that there is someone like me out there, they should keep their crap to themselves. Really, compromise to the level of denying yourself just to be with someone? That's just stupid. If I was 75 maybe but I'm not so until then, I rather be with myself then with someone that just couldn't find the key to make me happy, like my personlity or understand me.

Me & 4 year olds.

Have been spending my evening with 4 year old Emma and Jaden. 4 year olds are crazy. The spent the whole dinner just trying different ways to laugh, making faces and just being completely silly. They are best friends so I could most of the time just hang out on the couch while they did their own thing. Then we started drawing and they had been trying to check my limits so well then I started to check their limits, haha. Simply doing what they were trying to do to me on them. We were using markers and Jaden was looking at Emma's drawing and I simply took her orange marker and started using it. She didn't use it anyway for the moment and I needed it for my flower drawing. All of a sudden Jaden is trying to find her marker and gets all confused. Emma looks at me and starts laughing. Jaden looks at me with a suspicious face. That's when the three of us were cool. Me and 4 year olds work great. I love that age, they're hilarious, life is amazing in their eyes and they just put a smile on my face. So much love and curiosity it's amazing.

Oh yeah, the most crazy comment of the month.

Forgot to add what my grandma said today. She called me and we were talking for a while. Of course my dad had spilled the info that I'm going to Tokyo. Directly when she mentioned that I replied:
"Ok, I'm not going to discuss this. I'm going, this is not going to be changed or is negotiable. This is just how it is."
She answered:
"Oh, I was just going to say that it's great! I know you have been talking about going to Japan for years and this is great that it finally can happen. I'm very happy for you. You and your cousins are grown ups and should have your own lives."

What on earth is happening??? Could she inspire my parents with this too???? The lady is seriously growing younger the older she gets, for real. For her to say something like this, I'm surprised. To be more precise, in chock.

YAY!

Me and little Emma 4 years old are going to hang on Thursday evening. Haven't seen Emma for months. Exciting! My little friend that I play games with and have all various weird conversations with, haha. I love this little kid, she is FUNNY! So much crazy energy and attitude that she can't make me stop laughing. Babysitting it is.

No focus! Grrr!

Stupid, I was supposed to get a new pair of ballerinas as my old ones are d o n e. Went to get a pair and of course I lost focus and ended up getting a pair of jeans and a very cool plaid top instead. So lost focus. I'm not supposed to be spending as I have to get a ticket to Japan. Shoes was on the list and that didn't get solved. Oh well, the jeans are GLUED to my body and I really needed a new pair of blue jeans. Also the plaid top is perfect for work. So.... that's explains that. I have also been super good with bringing lunch for work almost every day. Serious waste of money to buy lunch around were I work. Expensive, nasty quality and just nothing exciting to chose from. So lunch box it is going forward. At least if I'm going to continue my losing focus spending, haha.

Tennis is the new thing.

Of all the things can be done, today has been spent watching live tennis in Prospect Park. So now I feel that I should learn how to play tennis. I can so see myself becoming a future tennis superstar. My grandma told me on the phone an hour ago that I need strength in my arms to be good at tennis.... Yeah, yeah, that's just details, haha. In my head I can be a future tennis superstar.

Actually I just want to learn something new so why not tennis?

Funny, funny.....

Ha, today I was completely bursting out in laughter in front of my computer at work. I'm sitting there sketching some sweater jumpers and all of a sudden the owner starts playing his piano and a few seconds later someone starts singing. I look around, hold back my laugh, meet one of my co-workers eyes and me & her just burst out in laughter.

Felt like I was attending a music class at age 13 when my then music teacher used to play her piano and sing LOUD to get everyone in the mood. Anyway, turns out that a visitor was singing. They couldn't hear us laughing due to that loud piano, thank god for that. I just couldn't stop laughing.

Song of choice? Can't remember but it was in the same category of "Bridge over trouble water". Fabulous, oh yes. Definitely the big entertainment of the day. Our secretary/production assistant even dropped by my desk and asked if I was ok due to me trying to hold back my laugh about "the show". The quality was "great".....

That was F U N N Y.

What just happened?

Seriously today is THE DAY. For real. We had a meeting around 5pm with the design team and the owner of the company. Talked about about how the company is growing and how design is going to work going forward. All of a sudden the owner says this:
"It went very well with the meeting the other day with ******* and this is a very exciting time for the company.... blah blah blah..... " Going on about the company and then focusing in on me:
"I was also very excited when I hired you Linda. You took this position and I know you had some great things in your portfolio and I was impressed with your resume. Still you took this position as a technical designer but now as the company is growing and I know you have some great ideas there is space for growth. I mean we got the ******** line now and if that works out we will need a designer. All I want to say is that for all work there will be coming something back in the future."

WHAT?! He said this in front of the whole design team which is just my boss and 3 of my co-workers but still. I mean there are people that have worked with design for 20+ years in that room. Even my boss gave me a smile and her eyebrows where up high.

Conclusion: For everything that is going down at a time it will go up and now is my time.

I'm just smiling and I have been doing so for the past hours. I am no longer stuck with just doing tech packs on my own. Now everyone is going to do it. Great!!! YAY!

Also realizing that my old boss where I worked before is a damn bitch. All those years of her BULLSHIT, may she burn in hell - seriously. It was just SHE that didn't like me and that was the problem all along. Now I'm in an environment where I'm actually liked for who I am. This is how life should be.

GO ME! Should I also add that the owner called me expert of tech pack skills? HAHA. All those years of slaving away where I worked before, all that shit paid off. In a way I guess I owe my old boss for scaring the shit out of her employees if they ever screwed up those tech packs. She even fired one girl for forgetting to add lining on a pair of pants and accused her of not being educated enough because of the missing lining. Idiot. So unprofessional. Anyway, I learnt my first 3 weeks when she yelled at me in front of 10 ppl that you NEVER screw up her tech packs and that still sits in the pack of my spine. Those skills and experience I brought with me and ta-da, things are happening.

This is so my day!

Excitment in the air!

I feel really happy today. Excitement in the air! Almost bought my ticket for Tokyo. Just checking some things with Maiko and hoping that she hasn't changed her mind...... Never know. I mean it's going to be me and all Japanese people over Christmas and New Years... in.... *drum roll*...... TOKYO, JAPAN. I feel a bit like I'm crashing a party, nah, not really but it's definitely a pretty different thing to do. Many years ago I planned to live in Japan for some time. Then I ended up staying in NYC. I don't know. I remember in college that Susanne used to ask me when we fixed our US visas when I was going to apply for my Japanese visa, haha.

Sketched as crazy at work. Me and that fashionshoops trendsite are GLUED in order to get somewhere with everything. Today I really felt that I can do this. Hell yeah, I can be a designer. All I need is a green card, start freelancing when the economy is up and running again in this country and soon things would work it self out. I haven't felt this confident about things in a long time. It's exciting to check out new styles online, research great color combinations and just sketch away. It's fun! This is how it should be. Discuss new styles and what works with what. I think I finally have rediscovered the connection to my life again and the reason why I wanted to work to become a designer. Because it's fun. Life is fun.

Everything will be ok. Smile people, life is too short to not. : )

From human to dog and back again!

Omg, now they are completely going crazy in the show I'm watching. Human can turn into dogs and back again to be a human. For all people that know me.... I love dogs and I would love to have that function, haha. Oh well, I guess it's not going to happen that I will have that function.... Dammit!

Serious addidction....

Ok, so the whole day I have been wondering about what will happen on "True Blood". This is just not normal, I'm addicted. It's also entertaining that the oldest vampire is a Swedish actor, Alexander Skarsgard, and they keep referring that he is a Swedish vampire. Also random sentences of Swedish in the show, hilarious!

Other than that my afternoon today involved a text mess to Kirsten: "If I have a throw up attack on some people here and end up in jail for awful behaviour - pls come visit."
Rsponse: "LOL ok!"

Anyone ever worked in design and dealt with no organisation & confusion people know what I'm talking about. Wasn't that bad though, have no patience today though. My co-worker got a "I'm so m a d" attack due to the no organisation. Wonderful. Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day. Breath in, breath out as we say. Mondays are just Mondays, not much to say about it. Ha.

Go Yean!

Omg, I think I heard the most unreal stories in a long time. Yean got her green card! In less than a year! Her husband got it to and he was just attached to her application for just 2 months. Unbelievable, haven't heard of such a story in a long time. Usually it takes years and years and years for people to get their green cards.

Yean has a master though so applications like that goes faster. So in order to figure out a way to solve my stay in this country I need to get a master, do a green card application with my bachelor degree (which will take years) or simply get married. Those are the options. I need to figure this out soon. I have lived her for more than 6 years now and the more I think about it, I do not want to leave. I live here. I don't know, there are so many things that have clicked in my head for the past months and it's all starting to clear out on many levels.

Saw "The September Issue" with Anna Wintour. Funny! I'm pretty sure they had to cut out a lot of things in that documentary in order to show it. Grace Cunnigham was slightly entertaining. Such a... sometimes bitter woman... "just another model"... "just another celebrity, blah blah." and really funny when she explained her love/hate relationship with Anna. Wonderful, I love it. Also Anna Wintour's daughter talking about her mom's job. So worth seeing for anyone that wants to get an inside of how Vogue is made and the weird world of Fashion.

I'm also still addicted to watching every episode of "True Blood".... so intense! Raw at times. That show also really clicks in my head. I someone really loves you, they will do anything for you. It's like magic.

Ok, time for another episode. Have to get to work early tomorrow. So much stuff to sketch that I will sketch my hand off... Just kidding! Intense day tomorrow though.

"september Issue"..

Going to see "September Issue" with Yean soon. Have to get going. Slightly weirded out though. Some random person is sleeping on our couch. My roommate, that this random person belongs to, is not here. Not really sure where she ran off. This also explains the cleaning of the bathroom. Of course it wasn't to do her contribution to the apartment, but to improve the apartment because her friend is coming. Should had seen that one coming, that's how we know random people are showing up. I get so tired.

Ok, get going it is. I'm excited for the movie! This should be interesting.

My new addiction.

It's gray, raining and just fall in the air. I'm spending my new time with my new addiction... Watching all episodes of "True Blood"... Such a weird and slightly intense show some moments. Just LOVE the intro of this show though. I get so inspired. Ok, time for the next episode. This is getting interesting!

Also would like to add that I think I have changed my mind about my French roommate after she cleaned our bath tube that has been nasty dirty for the past months. I have been trying to attack it with no success. She got to have bought some miracle cleaning liquid. We now have a SHINY bath tube, it's just amazing. I just started smiling when I saw this in the bathroom. Now I can take as many bathes as I want to without getting all disgusted. Perfect for the fall: me, the bath tube, some snacks, tea and a book. I just love it.

I can't take this.

Ok, so I was supposed to start my Saturday on a positive note but I got completely thrown off. Called my parents and apparently "someone" told my mom that I might be flying to Japan for Christmas and New Years. My mom goes BANANAS on the phone: " NEEEEJJJJJ! I think you feel VERY FAR AWAY right now. Don't you miss your mom ever?" Should I add that she had that complainy voice, like taken from a movie?

Oh please, jump on a damn plan if it's so important to see me. I know the money are not there for them doing it but why am I the only one that's supposed to fly over there? Really? I live here. Always this make-Linda feel-guilty crap. I have a job in this country. I live here. So god damn selfish that I just get sick. I'm annoyed, oh yes. My friends parents travel around the world. People come visit and enjoy everything that NYC has to offer. I start to believe that I'm adopted.

Who knows, sooner or later I might end up in that country but not now. I'm not ready and I'm not sure if I ever will be ready. I just get this f e a r in my body imagine myself living over there. Also, if I can't live in the city and have to live in some half-sleepy suburban family area, I simply do not want to live in that country. I want an apartment in the center of the city, well picked. Otherwise I have a feeling I will go through some major depression of adapting back to a country if I ever had to do it. I'm not interested in the stereotype life of living over there. Life is to short to just adapt to the pattern of how life "should" be lived. Actually, if I would end up in Europe, I was thinking London for a while. Language is not a problem, big city and lots of opportunities to explore. The only weird thing with London though is that their pubs and going out places close at 11 or 12pm. What's up with that? So weird! With this paragraph I will probably be hated, but this is my blog, deal with it.

I really don't need this type of crap. I have enough on my mind as it is. I need support. I just need to feel good, enjoy the moment. Rebuilding, forgetting, just continue to swim even though I don't want to some days.

It really feels like 2007. Like someone just turned back time and that 2 years of my life never passed. 2007 was really the year of trying for everything. Never giving up, so much crap. As then, the same thing has to be applied. Breath in, breath out and just try. Not knowing what the outcome would be. So much falling down and no success with several things but the attempts were there to embrace everything back then. If you just try enough, the positive outcome appears when you least expect it. Therefore, no need to worry, just live minute by minute.

Ok, have to get going. Meeting Yean later.

Just bad.

Awful.... That's what could be said about the movie: "Music & Lyrics". Do NOT watch. So much crap it's unbelievable. Waste of time but still I ha to watch to the end.

Rediscovering...

Like everything else that I have forgotten I'm now rediscovering. All movies I haven't seen and wanted to see I now see them. Now I'm getting sidetracked by music. For the moment listening to MGMT, again and again.

Also drinking my Blåbärssoppa, imported from Sweden by Tina, haha. Fabulous. Watching the rain through the window and just enjoying the moment. We got to leave work early today even though our Summer Fridays no longer exist after Labor Day. Our slightly crazy (literally) secretary/production assistant told one of the owners' that she wants her summer hours back. Then apparently he said yes for all of us to leave an hour earlier... Unbelievable! I have been speed sketching the whole day. Sketched 3 jackets and started a knitted sweater dress. So much work it's unbelievable. Our boss pissed off me and my co-worker a bit. She is not in the office on Fridays ever, but calling about all the stuff that she should had done but didn't, she then wants us to do it. Like all her research for new styles. That's her job, not ours. We got enough to do as it is. Whatever. Speed Fashion Snoopped and had 30 trend inspired styles printed out. Stuff go fast here! It's just unbelievable how disorganized some people are though. Really, I do not get it how this company sometimes can get a single garment out in the store. If someone wants to make a show with "The Office" inspiration and how the design industry work, this could be the place to do the show. Just bring in a camera, you have your show for real. Still I really like to work there, it just gets frustrating at times when you know you have to sketch 10 styles in less than 2 days and there is no research, no organization... No nothing.... Just that everything has to get done otherwise the management will go BANANAS. Literally. Somehow all of this is entertaining though. I have reached the conclusion that I never take anything seriously anymore, haha.

Deadline - whatever. Important - whatever. Stress - whatever.

It's such a waste of time and doesn't help at all to focus on that bullshit so I just do my own thing and it's working. The owner of the company started a talk with me yesterday about what I was doing, for the moment sketching:
"I'm sketching bodies. It takes some time but it's getting there."
"Nice, I knew that you could sketch from when I saw your portfolio."
"Ok, well this is more detailed than the activewear I used to do."
"You're learning, that's good."

Anyway, to talk about something else - I had a weird morning. I was on the train and this begging man was on the train and kept going on and on and on and on about his life and how much help he needed and that he really wanted to help other people. Said that his brother was born blind, that he had no home and we all should feel so grateful that we had a roof over our heads. Pulling every single make-people-feel-guilty button out there. I felt sick in the end. I never really change train when beggars walk on but this time I had. He was going crazy telling his life story and I just started to feel so guilty over everything. I should just feel grateful over every single minute on this planet and all the wonderful privileged things that are out there for me. That I was lucky enough to be born in the percentage of people on this planet with a good life. I got my head, all my arms and legs.

Situations like this morning just gets me thinking. All the "problems" that some people have, spare me. Life is too short to not just embrace it. Sometimes I really wonder if someone sends out these people for me to meet, they fit so well into everything like it's all tailored scene from a movie.

This was proabably a very confused text, haha. All in once, that's the deal of the day. Speed it is.

I guess I grew up to be pretty good?

So today I have been told I'm smart. Just by venting my opinion about something. Afterward I thought about something and I guess conclusion is that from everything bad you learn something new to add to your life. This will be damn good. Now it's just to drive without any stop, enjoy the moment.

I would also like to add that I'm very grateful to my slightly confused parents. They learnt me since I was a kid that nothing come for free. You want a pair of jeans, you pay half. Want a new pair of winter shoes, you pay half. Whatever you want on this planet, you have to work for it.

I wanted an education abroad, well then I had to pay for the adventure. I'm having very interesting conversations with Americans about this mentality. Everyone gets so pampered in this country that when they finally are on a salary, can't live on it because they just don't know how to control their money. I guess I have my parents to thank for not paying anything for me ever for my education and I learnt in college that not having any money, barely for food even, is just awful and something I never want to happen again. Anyway, conclusion, thank god that I got a sense of how to survive at an early age.

I always though that it would had been wonderful if I would had one of those luxurious college experience when I was younger, being my parents sponsoring the event. Well, they didn't and today I realized that I think I'm very happy that I got to do this on my own. I have this feeling in my body that it taught me the best life skills ever.

I'm also very grateful for something else, not bringing it up here though. Anyway, with all bad comes something good. Lesson well learned.

I'm a planner and I'm planning something new. This is exciting. Get the party started.

Should probably add that I also saw "Norma Rae" and my built in fighting mood gets on it's high levels, haha.

A calmness.

I feel pretty good today. Had a pretty good day. Went with the design team on a kids trend seminar with FashionSnoops for Fall/Winter '10/'11. Did I mention btw that I have my own FashionSnoops account? Like hello access 24/7 to kids trends? This is definitely the benefits of working for a small company. Also that we all got to go on this seminar. Where I worked before there was never any spots, interest, or time to have all employees go for something like this. I just LOVE it! Sitting there parked at a seminar, got free food and just going through trend by trend. The four of us on a row, my boss with some crazy comment (What else? This lady is a character.) in the middle and just enjoying to get out of the office.

Life feels good at days like this. I really feel that everything will be ok. There is nothing to worry about at all on this planet. Whatever happens, happens. That's the mood I'm going to have every day from now on, that's what I have decided.

Oh, my boss wants to get in to see the fashion shows in the Bryant Park tents. Apparently she has never been. The secretary/production assistant will apparently try to get our boss into any show. T got super excited.: "Really??!!! You can get me in? Anything, I want to see anything! I have never been!" Anybody seeing this lady in action would crack up, she's like a five year old going bananas when she gets excited, haha. I am so entertained and I just start laughing. Then she acts up even more.

Can't we all just get along & live in peace & harmony on this planet?

Well, at least I'm not the one that is going to get a divorce from my like 20+ years marriage. Why can't some people just get along? The comment of the day from a 50+ woman:
"STUPID men. S T U P I D. Communication is so IMPORTANT. Big mistake, BIG mistake. They think they know what they are doing in the heat of the moment, then afterward they understand that they did a HUGE mistake. STUPID men. This one will regret it forever."

OK. I really do not want to know.

BBQ it is!

YAY! So I got Kirsten and Kelly to get into the idea of doing some bbq and make those sticks with food. So that will happen today. Exciting! I wake up and I feel very happy. It's really strange with my wave behaviour sometimes. Oh well, what's important is that I'm happy. Everything will be ok.

Saw "Hounddog" yesterday. Dakota Fanning again, she fascinates me. If she was my kid I would not aloud my kid to play in such a dark movie, no matter how much she got paid and how good actress she is. The kid got raped, her dad got struck by lighting and life was just rough for the kid. Very, very,very good movie though. I was glued to my screen. My Netflix is probably one of the best things I ever invested in.

Also I'm having a funny facebook chat with my niece Sarah. She called my mom, her grandma, and apparently my mom has bought a "youth jacket" at her favourite store Dea. What on earth is a "youth jacket"?? I really don't get it. It was apparently the sales woman in the store that had called the jacket that. Is that a way of selling clothes to retired people to call them "youth jackets"? Hilarious!

Ok, time to fix my room and then locate those sticks to put food on. This will be great!

This roommate.... not much left over for her!

My French roommmate.. who else? Is now playing music as loud as she possible can. That our landlord lives on the floor under and that's it's midnight seems to not concern her. If we ever get thrown out from here, it will for sure be her fault. Zero concern for other people. It's very fascinating that someone functions this way.

I really want to go and knock on her door and say: "You're stupid and have zero respect for people around you, ever." Do I? No, because that would start a war and you just don't do that. I hope she will travel again soon for a week or two so we don't have to see her. At least she pays rent on time now like normal people.

Men!

So the problem is solved who the thieves are of my Netflix. I went down to my landlord and asked if they had seen my Netflix. Turns out that they hadn't, at least according to the mom in the family. Then the mom, that barely speak English, talked to one of her kids. The kid then goes and opens a drawer in the kitchen and there is the Netflix. What the hell?! They stole my Netflix!!!! It's MY movie! The envelope wasn't open, but why on earth put it in their drawer. What is wrong with people????!!!! At least I now know who steals my movies!

Time for "Hounddog", MY movie.

The craziest of the craziest ideas!

Oh my.... I got a crazy idea the other day..... I'm going to Japan! I want to go for Christmas and New Years, so I sent a mess to Maiko if I could come visit and she said yes. Will probably stay with her at her parents' place. Maiko also said that we should start planning all places to visit. Omg, is this really going to happen?! I started looking for a plain ticket today and the tickets are not too expensive, considering it's holiday times.

I WANT TO JUMP UP AND DOWN! I'm so EXCITED! ! It's unbelievable! JAPAN! Tokyo here I come! This has been my dream for many, many, many, many, MANY, M A N Y years! That I also will have Maiko around that could guide and teach me everything would just be amazing!

Ok, continue to look for tickets. This with vacation time from my company is just details. One of my co-workers are getting married and she is taking 3 weeks off to get married and go to Greece. Also two days off for her bachelorette party. So, can she take that long I can take less for the time around the holidays.

Spice up your life ppl! Japan here I come!

Oh God....

I just had the weirdest moment ever.... Just checked something that's really, really, really, really old and so outdated. No idea that it still existed. W o w.... That's all I have to say. Was I really that crazy back then? I'm pretty funny though or maybe more weird, back then. Crazy. Now I'm all weirded out. Some things you are just not meant to be found. EVER. Very interesting though.

God Night Earth.

Grrrrr - moment..... Again!

I'm back from my outing to Brooklyn. Anyway, I just realized that my Netflix hasn't arrived.... again. This is the second time that it's 3 days late. Last time the movie never arrived after a week and I had to report it as lost. Second time they sent it out I got it.

I'm starting to believe that someone is stealing my Netflix. Who should I assume the thief is? The mailman, my neighbors, my landlord or my roommates? I'm getting very annoyed by this though. I'm going to call Netflix tomorrow and ask if this is a common problem.

Grrrr! I was so excited to see the movie I ordered! Guess I have to continue to wait.....Blah!

Something happened.... in my head...

So something really happened a couple of minutes ago, in my head. I spoke to Ylva on the phone. We haven't spoken since Christmas, she lives in Gothenburg in Sweden.

I was trying to explain what I have been up to for the past 8 months. In a short story I was trying to explain how I went from being unemployed to getting a job and everything around. On the way to move back to Europe, selling my furniture, then getting a job, getting a messed up visa situation, M that went from being a really supportive person to complete ass, lost and confusion for many months & not knowing what to do, a trip to Canada, re-building my life and just figuring out if I can get my feet back on this planet.... Everything in so typical Linda-spirit it's unbelievable. I realize it now afterward.

Anyway, Ylva said something that just hit my head: "But he already finished the relationship long time ago, way before you even decided to move and then didn't move. Closing off everything. You just didn't know it."

Am I blind? It's so obvious. Here I have gone to believe that I messed up everything when it right from the beginning was always meant to be until I moved. Then when I didn't move everything just disconnected. The problem was that I never knew. It's so hard to see and feel seriousness. I guess I'm a bit wanting to believe more than it actually was meant to be. It hurts. Yes.

Therefore, the new thing: I'm not moving anywhere. I live here. I live in NYC. This is my home. If and when I decide to move it's in the future. For now this is my home. No more I should move, maybe I should had moved. I live here.

Breath in, breath out. Stop thinking. At least I feel that I have gone somewhere with my head today instead of just standing still.

The following criteria is on my list for finding a person:
-Knowing who he is.
-No preconceived thoughts about life.
-Able to feel interest, embrace and try various things on this planet, no: "I don't like this this, therefore I'm not going to do it."
-Wants to see the world.
-Flexible.
-Interest in design, art... Creating. No Artist/Bartender though.
-International.
-Passion for something in life, doesn't matter what as long as there is a focus in life.
-Able to see outside and handle tough conversations, critique and think outside the box.
-Supportive and able to handle a lot of pressure.
-Being able to handle someone with 4 million questions and analyses about this planet and life.
-Easy entertained.
-No complaining, life is what it is.
But most important... Happy, satisfied, no complaining... being able to embrace life for what it is.

The list can be longer.

I am not crazy. I'm just the one that didn't get the memo about the story from the beginning.

Go me!

It's sunny, warm and I woke up in an excellent mood! This is how it should be. Soon jumping on a train to Brooklyn. Hello long weekend!

I survived.... and it was AWESOME!

So I'm back! After what turned out to be a 2 1/2h paddling at the East River! Quite a workout, really. So cool though! Paddled between LIC in Queens and Manhattan. I was sitting in the front enjoying the view while Kirsten was sitting in the back doing the extra job.

We started when it still was light out and the we stopped the canoes and watched the sun go down and the moon come out. Then we paddled in the dark and Kirsten said when we paddled through a less clean water area: "I so expect to see a dead body coming floating soon! I watch to much CSI...."
Haha.

It was AWESOME though! I'm so happy! My body is dead now though.... Going to take a nice bath with bubbles and go to bed. Stopped at the first bar with Kirsten after the paddling. Sat there and updated and just enjoyed the moment of not being SOAKED anymore... haha.

This was a great evening! So much to do in this city, it's just a matter of seeking it out.

We're going!

YAY! We're going for the paddling adventure! If I die or something it was nice to know all ppl on this planet.... Just kidding! 4 1/2h paddling can be TOOOO MUCH paddling for me though, haha. My muscles are not on the level they should be...... Oh well, I'm EXCITED! This will be awesome! Adventure it is! Got a mess from Kirsten some hours ago: "G I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
Haha, this can be a CIRCUS! Let it all start! WHOO- HOO!

Should probably mention also that I'm now feeling way better. Yesterday was the cure for everything. Life is awesome, too short to just regret stuff. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot do more than that. Some things are just not meant to be and that's just life.

HELVETE!

I have 2 spots for free paddling tonight. Kirsten is supposed to go with me but she is sick! Last mess I got from her was yesterday and she was considering going to the ER due to serious stomach aches!! NOT good! Not sure if she will be ok today, wouldn't think so, which means I have an extra paddling ticket. I won the lottery! Ohhhhh! Now I need to find someone to go with before 5.30pm....Uh- oh....

Get the party started!

Great, great, great evening in Williamsburg! Tina organized a dinner for me, Aggla, Sophie, her roommate David and David's sister Jessie. The evening really developed to a great night after a huge spinach lasagna, salad, 3 bottles of wine and an outing at Daddy's in Williamsburg!

I was so comfortable tonight with myself. So talkative, made new contacts and just enjoyed the evening. Me and Sophie are going to try to get to the beergarden in Queens. Really nice to see Aggla again. Had some really great talks with David. Tina had brought some great stuff from Sweden to me.

I LOVE evenings like this! This is what life is about at it's best. Talking, laughing, some drinks, nice weather, great food and just enjoying every minute with wonderful people. Everyone accept everyone and just enjoying the moment. No one judging or gettting offended. Just be what you are and that's more than fine. Can I have every evenings like this every day please?

On nights like this I know that life will be ok no matter what. It's just a matter of just never giving up. Might be sad over everything right now, but that's just life.

Some weird black guy also tried to pick me up on the bus. "You're so beautiful, I really want you to know that." Yeah, yeah , yeah - whatever. "Can I see you again?" That's when I was just: "Nice to meet you, good luck with your English." Why on earth are there always weirdo ppl trying to pick you up? Why can't they be like the subway guy I meet last week. I mean really, if subway guy from last week would ask: 'Could I see you again?" I would like JUMP up and down and say YES! This weirdo, I don't think so.

Bedtime. It's 1 am in the morning. I was not supposed to stay up this long but well, great evenings can't just not be left like that. I think I love life right now! Get the party started with NICE people!

Oh! This was really my day. I started out the morning with running into Rennie. We were in the same class at Parsons 5 years ago. I was walking over the street and I see this guy stanidn next to me and I touch his arm and go:
" I know you!"
" Oh, hi Linda!"
Haven't seen Rennie for years! Apparently he is married since last year and asked me if I was married. Slightly scary though, haha. He is still working at the same place but is plainning on leaving and has set up his own company.
It's really weird. All these people from over the years. I never would had expected Rennie to get somwhere. He was this guy in the class that arrived AFTER the class was over in school, maybe 5 minutes before it ended. That Parsons had a rule that if you missed more that 3 classes you could no pass, was none of Rennie's concern. He always told the teacher when she asked why he was late and whre he had been, with hs broken Korean Enlish: "At home, working."
He designed mostly in black and had crazy back grounds to his illustrations. I was his model for the Junior Show and walked down the runway in his outfit. Solong time ago. It almost feels liek another life.

Ok, enough, bedtime. I will be DEAD tomorrow.

This with ppl's music choices...

Oh btw, I have to add that I can't stand love songs anymore. It's KILLING us all at work.... Whitney, Lady in Red, Celine Dion's Titanic song.... They are so sleepy. Slightly entertained sometimes though..... I hear a long exhale from my co-worker next to me: "NOT a g a i n.... p l e a s e...." When the owner's listen to the same love songs again and again every day.

One day one of the owner's was even walking around the printer trying to sing Celine Dion's "My heart will go on".... Is this really normal for men in their 50's??? I'm not kidding here! He was seriously trying to sing a long in the song. C R A Z Y. That's when I had to hide my complete laugh attack. Stuff like this still makes me laugh when I think about it.

As I advise other people to see the few percentage that are funny when everything is shit, I'm doing that one now. Life is amazing. I need to get the feeling back. Cheer up. Life doesn't stop because things are hard. I just wish it was easy sometimes.... Just for once.... I need support. I feel that I'm floating without not really knowing how I'm going to get my feet down on the ground again. But like NYC is, you're always on your own no matter what.

Kirsten said something insteresting though, I have more things going on and unique things with me than a lot of people in this city. There got to also be a meaning and purpose why I'm still in this city, I was almost moving but then stayed. I should always remember that, Kirsten had severeal good points. It's just so hard sometimes. Here we go again... re-building. I should really write a book one day about my 8 years abroad. Living without any real support for all these years and the support I found are gone. Probably a meaning with that too. What I know about myself though is: Going down is always going up in a near future. As I tell people too, and even my co-worker reminded me of that today when I had my shitty moment: "Linda, breath in, breath out - Let Go." Jahapp.

Jahapp.

Not really sure if I did something good or not but I just did something. Oh well, it's done. Let's see what will happen. Something has to be done, that's at least what I have concluded.

WHO-HOO!

Things are happening fast here! I just won a 2 ppl trip to go paddling on Friday! Super exciting!! Starting from LIC going under the bridges and only 12 ppl. Now I feel happy! Just need to convince Kirsten to come on Friday.... No one else seems to want to go paddling.... Grrr!

Grrrr!

I feel afraid, that's the feeling for the moment. "Wonderful". I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my head right now.

The day from hell, seriously.

As I expected, this is not my day either. I started my day with going to work. An hour later I felt myself crying and I was not even sure why I was crying. Just felt like all people are leaving, rethinking every single person I have known on this planet and just feeling like shit. I feel like I'm not enough for anything, ever. How much I try everything always ends up the way I don't want. Is it always going to be this way? How do I know that something is ever going to stay?

My co-worker got super worried about me: "What's wrong, Linda? Linda, what's going on?"
I told part of why I feel the way I feel in a few sentences. Then I stopped crying, thank god. Luckily enough my crying event was short and did not get seen by anyone except my co-worker. I hate people that cry at work, that's just for losers that don't know how to keep professional life from personal life. So I guess that's I'm a loser today.

Sent messages back & forth with Kirsten the whole day. My great friend. I should send her an ecard of something to cheer her up, she's so great! We're so similar as people. The way we function with certain things. I say something and she really GETS IT. She listens, supports and it's just.... fantastic. Someone that really, really,really cares. I think Kirsten is teaching me to become a better person too. She's such a giving, nice and truly amazing person.
I really hope she's not sick as she told me that she might be. I would be DEVASTATED. Anything involving any kind off serious disease just make me freak out.

I think I'm just going to go to bed. I just feel like all air went out of me. I still feel cold. My head is pounding. Here we go again, I just feel like crying. What the hell is wrong with me???

Ok, it's just to attack everything like I did some months ago. Get the happiness and speed up again. I'm like a wave. Down today.... In a few days the energy will be back and I'm up and running. I just need something exciting to happen. Something SUPER EXCITING. Stuff like that feeds my energy and keeps me going. Things have been so lame lately and no entertainment at all.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Tina though. VERY exciting! She has been gone for more than 3 weeks. That will speed up my week.

I just have to tell myself to get my head functioning again. Life doesn't go under because people leave and you lose people. Also, I can't change the history. God, I get so pathetic at times like this. I start thinking about Susanne, Nancy, Rhea, Helena, Lisa, M.... God, I have been consuming people like corn flakes over the years. It's normal, I know... But I don't work that way! I can't take stuff like this, it kills me every time. I do not want anyone to leave - ever - once someone is in my life. It takes me so much time to get over things. Forever basically. I hate myself right now.

God, I should really get a friend that wants to go BANANAS with me and just start checking out everything in NYC that I haven't seen. Enough of this bullshit.

Awake.

Morning, awake. Slept under 3 blankets, that's how cold I thought it was. Crazy. I still feel cold. So weird. I have this disgusting taste in my mouth and the throw up feeling is still there. A stressed feeling too. I don't know. Something is really wrong, that's for sure. I just want to go back in bed and sleep the whole day. Dark and my blanket... But that's not really an option. Work it is.

I feel sick.

I'm home and I feel really, really sick. I think I'm going to throw up any minute. My head has started to spin. My stomach is turning inside out. Have I got swine flu? I really feel like shit. I'm shaking. It feels really, really cold even though it's not cold. Not really sure what's going on. I seriously though I was going to throw up on the buss on from Brooklyn to Queens. Everything was spinning. Tried to talk on my cellphone but couldn't even maintain a normal conversation on the phone without even feeling more sick. I feel slow.

I'm tired of Queens btw. Went to Williamsburg today to pick up Kirsten's cooler that has been at M's place for some time. I miss Williamsburg. Just the style, the look, the people, the feeling of the place... everything. Queens is boring. I should move. At the same time I don't want to pay for living in Brooklyn and I know I should stay here. How boring this area now is.

Hanged out with M for a while. Slightly awkward probably at times. Started to feel sick, couldn't focus, just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Get the throw up feeling out from my body. Felt like I couldn't focus. I think I'm seriously starting to loose my head.

Walking home with my cooler it was like closing a chapter, again. Me and M are done. It's so obvious. It makes me sad thinking about it. At the same time I want us to have a friendship but I don't know how well that's going to work. That makes me sad too. I wish time could just turn back.. start everything over... know the mistakes... know it all and just correct everything. They say that you do not know what you had until you lose it, so true. At the same time I lost several people at times and it's always hard to move on but once things get going, life gets better. Right now I just feel, why couldn't this just work? Why? Why do all other people succeed with their people and life? Am I the fuck up here? I feel like a cartoon and it's not even funny.

I feel so weird. Like I'm not in my body, instead I'm looking at myself. I'm paranoid today. I feel sick, weak, sad.... Today I just wanted to lay down and cry over my desk at work. I have no idea why I would want to do that. I just feel empty. Minute by minute is passing but I feel like I'm not here. What is wrong with me right now???? I think I'm losing it or getting really sick.

Everything is just piling up. Celina is gone, stupid L on the facebook chat and living with the fact of being one instead of two. Turn back time, fix all the mistakes, correct and patch with people from the history and create -That's what I would like to do, but it's not possible. Until then, I'm just going to go to bed.