The biggest decision of my life.

I have made the biggest decision of my life. I have decided to leave NYC early/mid April. Fear is running through my whole body. I wake up in the middle of the night and I feel afraid. I don't want to be in Sweden. I'm not entertained by the lifestyle or the pattern of life over there. Don't get me wrong, I love the country I'm from but I live here.

Yesterday I had THE conversation with one of my roommates. Me and JoAnna have been living together for almost 4 years. 4 years is a whole lifetime. People have come and gone in the apartment but we are still living there. The deal of a lifetime with no rent increase, as we call the apartment is soon gone for me. That just doesn't happen in NYC, if you are not just very lucky that you find a good apartment deal with a great roommate.

I wish I could stay, but it's not possible. JoAnna was trying to convince me that I should stay a while more but from experience, I just don't see this economy changing right now and more jobs opening up. I rather leave with more money than I came with. I have no interest of being bankrupt, that worked when I was 20 but not now.

The conversation with JoAnna ended up being 4 hour long. She cried, I cried and it was so emotional. We have seen each others struggles over the years dealing with visas. I'm now backing out. I feel in a way as I'm giving up but on the other hand I have done this for so many years and I know that this time, I just can't do anything. The situation in the US is just crazy. Latest of people desperation is that they auction themselves and their family on ebay.

I should be proud though. I came here with almost no money. Where most people would give up I continued to struggle with no real reward in sight. I guess that's what you can call passion for what you do and your dream. My dream can still continue on the other side of the planet. Not what I want and not something I ever thought would happen but life goes on.

Life is so god damn HARD sometimes. I'm trying to make myself feel better with that I had a pretty good outcome so far. I'm not born and I'm not going back to a crazy country. I can do this, I can. I'm not going to die. Maybe mentally or as JoAnna called it, have the hardest time of my live and x amount of nervous breakdowns until everything will be ok.

It was never this hard to leave Sweden or Paris. I just didn't care to that extend. This time, I'm really feel I'm losing something and I'm hoping that it will be ok.