YAY! We're going for the paddling adventure! If I die or something it was nice to know all ppl on this planet.... Just kidding! 4 1/2h paddling can be TOOOO MUCH paddling for me though, haha. My muscles are not on the level they should be...... Oh well, I'm EXCITED! This will be awesome! Adventure it is! Got a mess from Kirsten some hours ago: "G I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
Haha, this can be a CIRCUS! Let it all start! WHOO- HOO!
Should probably mention also that I'm now feeling way better. Yesterday was the cure for everything. Life is awesome, too short to just regret stuff. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot do more than that. Some things are just not meant to be and that's just life.
Friday, September 4, 2009
HELVETE!
I have 2 spots for free paddling tonight. Kirsten is supposed to go with me but she is sick! Last mess I got from her was yesterday and she was considering going to the ER due to serious stomach aches!! NOT good! Not sure if she will be ok today, wouldn't think so, which means I have an extra paddling ticket. I won the lottery! Ohhhhh! Now I need to find someone to go with before 5.30pm....Uh- oh....
Get the party started!
Great, great, great evening in Williamsburg! Tina organized a dinner for me, Aggla, Sophie, her roommate David and David's sister Jessie. The evening really developed to a great night after a huge spinach lasagna, salad, 3 bottles of wine and an outing at Daddy's in Williamsburg!
I was so comfortable tonight with myself. So talkative, made new contacts and just enjoyed the evening. Me and Sophie are going to try to get to the beergarden in Queens. Really nice to see Aggla again. Had some really great talks with David. Tina had brought some great stuff from Sweden to me.
I LOVE evenings like this! This is what life is about at it's best. Talking, laughing, some drinks, nice weather, great food and just enjoying every minute with wonderful people. Everyone accept everyone and just enjoying the moment. No one judging or gettting offended. Just be what you are and that's more than fine. Can I have every evenings like this every day please?
On nights like this I know that life will be ok no matter what. It's just a matter of just never giving up. Might be sad over everything right now, but that's just life.
Some weird black guy also tried to pick me up on the bus. "You're so beautiful, I really want you to know that." Yeah, yeah , yeah - whatever. "Can I see you again?" That's when I was just: "Nice to meet you, good luck with your English." Why on earth are there always weirdo ppl trying to pick you up? Why can't they be like the subway guy I meet last week. I mean really, if subway guy from last week would ask: 'Could I see you again?" I would like JUMP up and down and say YES! This weirdo, I don't think so.
Bedtime. It's 1 am in the morning. I was not supposed to stay up this long but well, great evenings can't just not be left like that. I think I love life right now! Get the party started with NICE people!
Oh! This was really my day. I started out the morning with running into Rennie. We were in the same class at Parsons 5 years ago. I was walking over the street and I see this guy stanidn next to me and I touch his arm and go:
" I know you!"
" Oh, hi Linda!"
Haven't seen Rennie for years! Apparently he is married since last year and asked me if I was married. Slightly scary though, haha. He is still working at the same place but is plainning on leaving and has set up his own company.
It's really weird. All these people from over the years. I never would had expected Rennie to get somwhere. He was this guy in the class that arrived AFTER the class was over in school, maybe 5 minutes before it ended. That Parsons had a rule that if you missed more that 3 classes you could no pass, was none of Rennie's concern. He always told the teacher when she asked why he was late and whre he had been, with hs broken Korean Enlish: "At home, working."
He designed mostly in black and had crazy back grounds to his illustrations. I was his model for the Junior Show and walked down the runway in his outfit. Solong time ago. It almost feels liek another life.
Ok, enough, bedtime. I will be DEAD tomorrow.
I was so comfortable tonight with myself. So talkative, made new contacts and just enjoyed the evening. Me and Sophie are going to try to get to the beergarden in Queens. Really nice to see Aggla again. Had some really great talks with David. Tina had brought some great stuff from Sweden to me.
I LOVE evenings like this! This is what life is about at it's best. Talking, laughing, some drinks, nice weather, great food and just enjoying every minute with wonderful people. Everyone accept everyone and just enjoying the moment. No one judging or gettting offended. Just be what you are and that's more than fine. Can I have every evenings like this every day please?
On nights like this I know that life will be ok no matter what. It's just a matter of just never giving up. Might be sad over everything right now, but that's just life.
Some weird black guy also tried to pick me up on the bus. "You're so beautiful, I really want you to know that." Yeah, yeah , yeah - whatever. "Can I see you again?" That's when I was just: "Nice to meet you, good luck with your English." Why on earth are there always weirdo ppl trying to pick you up? Why can't they be like the subway guy I meet last week. I mean really, if subway guy from last week would ask: 'Could I see you again?" I would like JUMP up and down and say YES! This weirdo, I don't think so.
Bedtime. It's 1 am in the morning. I was not supposed to stay up this long but well, great evenings can't just not be left like that. I think I love life right now! Get the party started with NICE people!
Oh! This was really my day. I started out the morning with running into Rennie. We were in the same class at Parsons 5 years ago. I was walking over the street and I see this guy stanidn next to me and I touch his arm and go:
" I know you!"
" Oh, hi Linda!"
Haven't seen Rennie for years! Apparently he is married since last year and asked me if I was married. Slightly scary though, haha. He is still working at the same place but is plainning on leaving and has set up his own company.
It's really weird. All these people from over the years. I never would had expected Rennie to get somwhere. He was this guy in the class that arrived AFTER the class was over in school, maybe 5 minutes before it ended. That Parsons had a rule that if you missed more that 3 classes you could no pass, was none of Rennie's concern. He always told the teacher when she asked why he was late and whre he had been, with hs broken Korean Enlish: "At home, working."
He designed mostly in black and had crazy back grounds to his illustrations. I was his model for the Junior Show and walked down the runway in his outfit. Solong time ago. It almost feels liek another life.
Ok, enough, bedtime. I will be DEAD tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
This with ppl's music choices...
Oh btw, I have to add that I can't stand love songs anymore. It's KILLING us all at work.... Whitney, Lady in Red, Celine Dion's Titanic song.... They are so sleepy. Slightly entertained sometimes though..... I hear a long exhale from my co-worker next to me: "NOT a g a i n.... p l e a s e...." When the owner's listen to the same love songs again and again every day.
One day one of the owner's was even walking around the printer trying to sing Celine Dion's "My heart will go on".... Is this really normal for men in their 50's??? I'm not kidding here! He was seriously trying to sing a long in the song. C R A Z Y. That's when I had to hide my complete laugh attack. Stuff like this still makes me laugh when I think about it.
As I advise other people to see the few percentage that are funny when everything is shit, I'm doing that one now. Life is amazing. I need to get the feeling back. Cheer up. Life doesn't stop because things are hard. I just wish it was easy sometimes.... Just for once.... I need support. I feel that I'm floating without not really knowing how I'm going to get my feet down on the ground again. But like NYC is, you're always on your own no matter what.
Kirsten said something insteresting though, I have more things going on and unique things with me than a lot of people in this city. There got to also be a meaning and purpose why I'm still in this city, I was almost moving but then stayed. I should always remember that, Kirsten had severeal good points. It's just so hard sometimes. Here we go again... re-building. I should really write a book one day about my 8 years abroad. Living without any real support for all these years and the support I found are gone. Probably a meaning with that too. What I know about myself though is: Going down is always going up in a near future. As I tell people too, and even my co-worker reminded me of that today when I had my shitty moment: "Linda, breath in, breath out - Let Go." Jahapp.
One day one of the owner's was even walking around the printer trying to sing Celine Dion's "My heart will go on".... Is this really normal for men in their 50's??? I'm not kidding here! He was seriously trying to sing a long in the song. C R A Z Y. That's when I had to hide my complete laugh attack. Stuff like this still makes me laugh when I think about it.
As I advise other people to see the few percentage that are funny when everything is shit, I'm doing that one now. Life is amazing. I need to get the feeling back. Cheer up. Life doesn't stop because things are hard. I just wish it was easy sometimes.... Just for once.... I need support. I feel that I'm floating without not really knowing how I'm going to get my feet down on the ground again. But like NYC is, you're always on your own no matter what.
Kirsten said something insteresting though, I have more things going on and unique things with me than a lot of people in this city. There got to also be a meaning and purpose why I'm still in this city, I was almost moving but then stayed. I should always remember that, Kirsten had severeal good points. It's just so hard sometimes. Here we go again... re-building. I should really write a book one day about my 8 years abroad. Living without any real support for all these years and the support I found are gone. Probably a meaning with that too. What I know about myself though is: Going down is always going up in a near future. As I tell people too, and even my co-worker reminded me of that today when I had my shitty moment: "Linda, breath in, breath out - Let Go." Jahapp.
Jahapp.
Not really sure if I did something good or not but I just did something. Oh well, it's done. Let's see what will happen. Something has to be done, that's at least what I have concluded.
WHO-HOO!
Things are happening fast here! I just won a 2 ppl trip to go paddling on Friday! Super exciting!! Starting from LIC going under the bridges and only 12 ppl. Now I feel happy! Just need to convince Kirsten to come on Friday.... No one else seems to want to go paddling.... Grrr!
Grrrr!
I feel afraid, that's the feeling for the moment. "Wonderful". I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my head right now.
The day from hell, seriously.
As I expected, this is not my day either. I started my day with going to work. An hour later I felt myself crying and I was not even sure why I was crying. Just felt like all people are leaving, rethinking every single person I have known on this planet and just feeling like shit. I feel like I'm not enough for anything, ever. How much I try everything always ends up the way I don't want. Is it always going to be this way? How do I know that something is ever going to stay?
My co-worker got super worried about me: "What's wrong, Linda? Linda, what's going on?"
I told part of why I feel the way I feel in a few sentences. Then I stopped crying, thank god. Luckily enough my crying event was short and did not get seen by anyone except my co-worker. I hate people that cry at work, that's just for losers that don't know how to keep professional life from personal life. So I guess that's I'm a loser today.
Sent messages back & forth with Kirsten the whole day. My great friend. I should send her an ecard of something to cheer her up, she's so great! We're so similar as people. The way we function with certain things. I say something and she really GETS IT. She listens, supports and it's just.... fantastic. Someone that really, really,really cares. I think Kirsten is teaching me to become a better person too. She's such a giving, nice and truly amazing person.
I really hope she's not sick as she told me that she might be. I would be DEVASTATED. Anything involving any kind off serious disease just make me freak out.
I think I'm just going to go to bed. I just feel like all air went out of me. I still feel cold. My head is pounding. Here we go again, I just feel like crying. What the hell is wrong with me???
Ok, it's just to attack everything like I did some months ago. Get the happiness and speed up again. I'm like a wave. Down today.... In a few days the energy will be back and I'm up and running. I just need something exciting to happen. Something SUPER EXCITING. Stuff like that feeds my energy and keeps me going. Things have been so lame lately and no entertainment at all.
Tomorrow I'm meeting Tina though. VERY exciting! She has been gone for more than 3 weeks. That will speed up my week.
I just have to tell myself to get my head functioning again. Life doesn't go under because people leave and you lose people. Also, I can't change the history. God, I get so pathetic at times like this. I start thinking about Susanne, Nancy, Rhea, Helena, Lisa, M.... God, I have been consuming people like corn flakes over the years. It's normal, I know... But I don't work that way! I can't take stuff like this, it kills me every time. I do not want anyone to leave - ever - once someone is in my life. It takes me so much time to get over things. Forever basically. I hate myself right now.
God, I should really get a friend that wants to go BANANAS with me and just start checking out everything in NYC that I haven't seen. Enough of this bullshit.
My co-worker got super worried about me: "What's wrong, Linda? Linda, what's going on?"
I told part of why I feel the way I feel in a few sentences. Then I stopped crying, thank god. Luckily enough my crying event was short and did not get seen by anyone except my co-worker. I hate people that cry at work, that's just for losers that don't know how to keep professional life from personal life. So I guess that's I'm a loser today.
Sent messages back & forth with Kirsten the whole day. My great friend. I should send her an ecard of something to cheer her up, she's so great! We're so similar as people. The way we function with certain things. I say something and she really GETS IT. She listens, supports and it's just.... fantastic. Someone that really, really,really cares. I think Kirsten is teaching me to become a better person too. She's such a giving, nice and truly amazing person.
I really hope she's not sick as she told me that she might be. I would be DEVASTATED. Anything involving any kind off serious disease just make me freak out.
I think I'm just going to go to bed. I just feel like all air went out of me. I still feel cold. My head is pounding. Here we go again, I just feel like crying. What the hell is wrong with me???
Ok, it's just to attack everything like I did some months ago. Get the happiness and speed up again. I'm like a wave. Down today.... In a few days the energy will be back and I'm up and running. I just need something exciting to happen. Something SUPER EXCITING. Stuff like that feeds my energy and keeps me going. Things have been so lame lately and no entertainment at all.
Tomorrow I'm meeting Tina though. VERY exciting! She has been gone for more than 3 weeks. That will speed up my week.
I just have to tell myself to get my head functioning again. Life doesn't go under because people leave and you lose people. Also, I can't change the history. God, I get so pathetic at times like this. I start thinking about Susanne, Nancy, Rhea, Helena, Lisa, M.... God, I have been consuming people like corn flakes over the years. It's normal, I know... But I don't work that way! I can't take stuff like this, it kills me every time. I do not want anyone to leave - ever - once someone is in my life. It takes me so much time to get over things. Forever basically. I hate myself right now.
God, I should really get a friend that wants to go BANANAS with me and just start checking out everything in NYC that I haven't seen. Enough of this bullshit.
Awake.
Morning, awake. Slept under 3 blankets, that's how cold I thought it was. Crazy. I still feel cold. So weird. I have this disgusting taste in my mouth and the throw up feeling is still there. A stressed feeling too. I don't know. Something is really wrong, that's for sure. I just want to go back in bed and sleep the whole day. Dark and my blanket... But that's not really an option. Work it is.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I feel sick.
I'm home and I feel really, really sick. I think I'm going to throw up any minute. My head has started to spin. My stomach is turning inside out. Have I got swine flu? I really feel like shit. I'm shaking. It feels really, really cold even though it's not cold. Not really sure what's going on. I seriously though I was going to throw up on the buss on from Brooklyn to Queens. Everything was spinning. Tried to talk on my cellphone but couldn't even maintain a normal conversation on the phone without even feeling more sick. I feel slow.
I'm tired of Queens btw. Went to Williamsburg today to pick up Kirsten's cooler that has been at M's place for some time. I miss Williamsburg. Just the style, the look, the people, the feeling of the place... everything. Queens is boring. I should move. At the same time I don't want to pay for living in Brooklyn and I know I should stay here. How boring this area now is.
Hanged out with M for a while. Slightly awkward probably at times. Started to feel sick, couldn't focus, just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Get the throw up feeling out from my body. Felt like I couldn't focus. I think I'm seriously starting to loose my head.
Walking home with my cooler it was like closing a chapter, again. Me and M are done. It's so obvious. It makes me sad thinking about it. At the same time I want us to have a friendship but I don't know how well that's going to work. That makes me sad too. I wish time could just turn back.. start everything over... know the mistakes... know it all and just correct everything. They say that you do not know what you had until you lose it, so true. At the same time I lost several people at times and it's always hard to move on but once things get going, life gets better. Right now I just feel, why couldn't this just work? Why? Why do all other people succeed with their people and life? Am I the fuck up here? I feel like a cartoon and it's not even funny.
I feel so weird. Like I'm not in my body, instead I'm looking at myself. I'm paranoid today. I feel sick, weak, sad.... Today I just wanted to lay down and cry over my desk at work. I have no idea why I would want to do that. I just feel empty. Minute by minute is passing but I feel like I'm not here. What is wrong with me right now???? I think I'm losing it or getting really sick.
Everything is just piling up. Celina is gone, stupid L on the facebook chat and living with the fact of being one instead of two. Turn back time, fix all the mistakes, correct and patch with people from the history and create -That's what I would like to do, but it's not possible. Until then, I'm just going to go to bed.
I'm tired of Queens btw. Went to Williamsburg today to pick up Kirsten's cooler that has been at M's place for some time. I miss Williamsburg. Just the style, the look, the people, the feeling of the place... everything. Queens is boring. I should move. At the same time I don't want to pay for living in Brooklyn and I know I should stay here. How boring this area now is.
Hanged out with M for a while. Slightly awkward probably at times. Started to feel sick, couldn't focus, just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Get the throw up feeling out from my body. Felt like I couldn't focus. I think I'm seriously starting to loose my head.
Walking home with my cooler it was like closing a chapter, again. Me and M are done. It's so obvious. It makes me sad thinking about it. At the same time I want us to have a friendship but I don't know how well that's going to work. That makes me sad too. I wish time could just turn back.. start everything over... know the mistakes... know it all and just correct everything. They say that you do not know what you had until you lose it, so true. At the same time I lost several people at times and it's always hard to move on but once things get going, life gets better. Right now I just feel, why couldn't this just work? Why? Why do all other people succeed with their people and life? Am I the fuck up here? I feel like a cartoon and it's not even funny.
I feel so weird. Like I'm not in my body, instead I'm looking at myself. I'm paranoid today. I feel sick, weak, sad.... Today I just wanted to lay down and cry over my desk at work. I have no idea why I would want to do that. I just feel empty. Minute by minute is passing but I feel like I'm not here. What is wrong with me right now???? I think I'm losing it or getting really sick.
Everything is just piling up. Celina is gone, stupid L on the facebook chat and living with the fact of being one instead of two. Turn back time, fix all the mistakes, correct and patch with people from the history and create -That's what I would like to do, but it's not possible. Until then, I'm just going to go to bed.
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