Lost my mind?

As the title of this post, I start to believe that I lost my mind. Seriously. I can't make up my mind! The job is mine if I want it but I I'm over analyzing the whole situation and my whole mind is playing tricks on me. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO? I don't know! I have always known over the years EXACTLY what I want to do and now I'm lost. Completely lost.

Every single person I talk with has a different point of view. I keep changing my decision every time I talk to someone. Some people think that I should just go for it and someone else thinks that investing all the $$$$ it cost to move the visa is crazy so I should just skip it and move..

For me, I feel this:
I have lived in NYC for almost 6 years. Lots of ups and downs over the years. I finished my education many years ago and that's really what I came here for. In addition to that I have almost 4 years working experience in one of the world's toughest cities. Do I really need to stay to take a job that is at a similar level to what I had before? Maybe it's time to move on and learn something new.
I applied for school in Sweden to study business. In addition to that if I move there, I want to start my own business. Maybe this is the time for it? For me? I'm tired of working for other people and for me life is no longer about just getting experience, it's about being inspired. Maybe a tour to the other side of the planet will make me inspired.

It was so much easier for me to make decisions and just go for it when I was younger. No concern, no though, just GO! Now when I think about it I was crazy. Maybe I should be crazy this time too and just take this job and see what happens? Meanwhile I get afraid that things will not work out. But who knows? It might be an awesome job? Somehow I feel that I'm not ready yet to jump on a new full-time position. I like to hang out with kids and I also found a patternmaking job that keeps me entertained. Whatever happened to the word career? I completely forgot about that. Still in the back of my head but for the moment life is just good as it is. I have to make a decision though. Things have never been this hard. Whatever happened to Linda-just-go-for-it? That's how I ended up in NYC from the beginning.... Guess I would never end up in NYC if 6 years ago was now.

Happiness....

I just realized that I'm really happy right now. I don't have to much to be overly happy about me but I feel hope and happiness. I have understood that the key for me for a happy life is not to work in a stressful corporate environment with backstabbing and in a blink of an eye you're gone. After meeting these people today I realize that I'm an amazing person. I'm overly positive about everything, embrace the moment and never say no even though something might not entertain me.

I'm promising myself that I will never let this happen again to let a company, one person, stress, competition and evilness eat me up. It 's just stupid and a waste of time. I'm supporting friends that are still going through the mental breakdown of their situation right now of working and I realize as they are going down and making money, I'm going up in happiness day for day but making less money than them.

"Nanny Enterprise"..

So I interviewed with a 3rd family today. Apparently I will be a "play lady" with these two boys, age 2 and 4 years. The mom is going to be there, she just needs help apparently.... Fine with me. In this economy is not really time to be picky, just have to take what you can.

My roommate now calls my job with kids "Nanny Enterprise." Guess someone is entertained with the whole idea of me and kids. It's going excellent though. If I had known in college or had time, I would had cashed in on this then. It's not as in Sweden where you basically make cat food salary for babysitting a kid. These kids pays my rent until I figured out a solution for my future. My application for school is in, just have to send in some documents by real mail but other than that all done. Just have to get in now.

Still trying to get this job that I was supposed to get. We're still discussing my visa so this might still happen. Who knows. Times are tough, that's all that I know and right now in this world it's all about surviving. I think the economy is turning though. I feel hope about this economy, which was something I didn't have a couple of months ago. Give this 6 months and the US will not be 100% ok but maybe on the way towards it. Still will take years to fix the mess though but things are going in the right direction.

Say Cheese...

Anything can be found at Whole Foods..... We're a huge fan of the left over box with all variety of cheeses that are pre-cut....

This sucks.

Sooooo.... Of course it wasn't that easy to just transfer the visa. I wanted to get my new company to pay part of the visa. That didn't happen. They said no. Also adding that this seems more complicated than they had expected so they would like me to look for new opportunity elsewhere.... "GREAT!".... Therefore I"m stuck, again. My happy, happy, happy mood is gone and I have spent the last 3 hours sleeping on the couch feeling like shit.

Even though I would get this job I'm still stuck. Stuck in the hell of visas in an economy that's doing shit and a world of recession. I want to be a designer? Retail is dead. People get laid off in seconds and I'm going to pay $4000 for this crazy project for a company that can't even guaranty that I will have an employment with them for a longer time.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be the same. The believe, the hope, the dreams.... They are all under there but the older I get the more I understand that everything is not just possible. Maybe I should just give up and make that move to the other side of the planet? I have struggled so much and when things finally start to get clear and in the right direction, then the curtain shuts and I'm in the dark again. Why am I even doing this to myself? Am I insane? I sometimes wonder...... Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

The puzzle fever is finally over.....

The puzzle fever is finally done..... Of all the things you can do a puzzle from a Deals store has been stealing time....

Stupidity.

I was going through my e-mail on a hunt for an old e-mail address. Didn't find the old address but a photo that I sent out in November '05 to some people. The subject was: "Nörd" meaning "Nerd" in Swedish.
Apparently my old boss had been giving out Nike t-shirts to everyone. I got a green size large in men. Note my very funny not entertained look. Haha. Also I look like I'm 15 in this photo and it's a big question for me that anyone would hire someone that looks like a 15 years old. On the other hand a lot of things are a big questions for me that I never get so it's even.

"Say Niiiiiiiiike everyone!"

HAPPY DANCE!

So I got the job. Just have to transfer my visa. I will probably be back and up and running some time after April 15 th. Seriously, I'm so damn good! I get a job in one of the US worst economic situations since the 30's great depression.

Oh, well. I see this as a time to try this. If I don't like it a can simply quit. As long as I work at least 4 months I'm good and I have made the money I put into paying for the visa.

So the rest of 2009 I will work my ass off. I have done stuff like this before and when you work in NYC you have to PERFORM otherwise you are out. I got great skills from my old company and I will do this wonderful. If not, well you will see the outcome of that too.