Jahapp.

Not really sure if I did something good or not but I just did something. Oh well, it's done. Let's see what will happen. Something has to be done, that's at least what I have concluded.

WHO-HOO!

Things are happening fast here! I just won a 2 ppl trip to go paddling on Friday! Super exciting!! Starting from LIC going under the bridges and only 12 ppl. Now I feel happy! Just need to convince Kirsten to come on Friday.... No one else seems to want to go paddling.... Grrr!

Grrrr!

I feel afraid, that's the feeling for the moment. "Wonderful". I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my head right now.

The day from hell, seriously.

As I expected, this is not my day either. I started my day with going to work. An hour later I felt myself crying and I was not even sure why I was crying. Just felt like all people are leaving, rethinking every single person I have known on this planet and just feeling like shit. I feel like I'm not enough for anything, ever. How much I try everything always ends up the way I don't want. Is it always going to be this way? How do I know that something is ever going to stay?

My co-worker got super worried about me: "What's wrong, Linda? Linda, what's going on?"
I told part of why I feel the way I feel in a few sentences. Then I stopped crying, thank god. Luckily enough my crying event was short and did not get seen by anyone except my co-worker. I hate people that cry at work, that's just for losers that don't know how to keep professional life from personal life. So I guess that's I'm a loser today.

Sent messages back & forth with Kirsten the whole day. My great friend. I should send her an ecard of something to cheer her up, she's so great! We're so similar as people. The way we function with certain things. I say something and she really GETS IT. She listens, supports and it's just.... fantastic. Someone that really, really,really cares. I think Kirsten is teaching me to become a better person too. She's such a giving, nice and truly amazing person.
I really hope she's not sick as she told me that she might be. I would be DEVASTATED. Anything involving any kind off serious disease just make me freak out.

I think I'm just going to go to bed. I just feel like all air went out of me. I still feel cold. My head is pounding. Here we go again, I just feel like crying. What the hell is wrong with me???

Ok, it's just to attack everything like I did some months ago. Get the happiness and speed up again. I'm like a wave. Down today.... In a few days the energy will be back and I'm up and running. I just need something exciting to happen. Something SUPER EXCITING. Stuff like that feeds my energy and keeps me going. Things have been so lame lately and no entertainment at all.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Tina though. VERY exciting! She has been gone for more than 3 weeks. That will speed up my week.

I just have to tell myself to get my head functioning again. Life doesn't go under because people leave and you lose people. Also, I can't change the history. God, I get so pathetic at times like this. I start thinking about Susanne, Nancy, Rhea, Helena, Lisa, M.... God, I have been consuming people like corn flakes over the years. It's normal, I know... But I don't work that way! I can't take stuff like this, it kills me every time. I do not want anyone to leave - ever - once someone is in my life. It takes me so much time to get over things. Forever basically. I hate myself right now.

God, I should really get a friend that wants to go BANANAS with me and just start checking out everything in NYC that I haven't seen. Enough of this bullshit.

Awake.

Morning, awake. Slept under 3 blankets, that's how cold I thought it was. Crazy. I still feel cold. So weird. I have this disgusting taste in my mouth and the throw up feeling is still there. A stressed feeling too. I don't know. Something is really wrong, that's for sure. I just want to go back in bed and sleep the whole day. Dark and my blanket... But that's not really an option. Work it is.

I feel sick.

I'm home and I feel really, really sick. I think I'm going to throw up any minute. My head has started to spin. My stomach is turning inside out. Have I got swine flu? I really feel like shit. I'm shaking. It feels really, really cold even though it's not cold. Not really sure what's going on. I seriously though I was going to throw up on the buss on from Brooklyn to Queens. Everything was spinning. Tried to talk on my cellphone but couldn't even maintain a normal conversation on the phone without even feeling more sick. I feel slow.

I'm tired of Queens btw. Went to Williamsburg today to pick up Kirsten's cooler that has been at M's place for some time. I miss Williamsburg. Just the style, the look, the people, the feeling of the place... everything. Queens is boring. I should move. At the same time I don't want to pay for living in Brooklyn and I know I should stay here. How boring this area now is.

Hanged out with M for a while. Slightly awkward probably at times. Started to feel sick, couldn't focus, just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Get the throw up feeling out from my body. Felt like I couldn't focus. I think I'm seriously starting to loose my head.

Walking home with my cooler it was like closing a chapter, again. Me and M are done. It's so obvious. It makes me sad thinking about it. At the same time I want us to have a friendship but I don't know how well that's going to work. That makes me sad too. I wish time could just turn back.. start everything over... know the mistakes... know it all and just correct everything. They say that you do not know what you had until you lose it, so true. At the same time I lost several people at times and it's always hard to move on but once things get going, life gets better. Right now I just feel, why couldn't this just work? Why? Why do all other people succeed with their people and life? Am I the fuck up here? I feel like a cartoon and it's not even funny.

I feel so weird. Like I'm not in my body, instead I'm looking at myself. I'm paranoid today. I feel sick, weak, sad.... Today I just wanted to lay down and cry over my desk at work. I have no idea why I would want to do that. I just feel empty. Minute by minute is passing but I feel like I'm not here. What is wrong with me right now???? I think I'm losing it or getting really sick.

Everything is just piling up. Celina is gone, stupid L on the facebook chat and living with the fact of being one instead of two. Turn back time, fix all the mistakes, correct and patch with people from the history and create -That's what I would like to do, but it's not possible. Until then, I'm just going to go to bed.

Now.

I feel better, but I feel low. It's such a weird feeling.

At work I was laughing. Got the weirdest pant ever. The cuff at the hem was all messed up. My boss was on the phone with the vendor. Every time she talks to this guy it's like an episode from the office: "*****, NO that is NOT what you told me. ******, wait, what? You don't have anymore fabric? How is that possible????!!!! ******, how come you have no more fabric???!!!" Then she runs away or have someone run and find for her what she is looking for. Me, my co-worker next to me and the technical designer crack up of laughter: "Here we go again!" The stupid vendor have once again messed something up. This time to not buy enough fabric to create a proper cuff for a pant. It's "great"! What else can be done than just laugh about this circus? I still wonder how this company can even get one single garment made...... On Friday the same vendor apparently had shipped the orders wrong and the old owner, that still works at the company, went BANANAS and yelled at the same vendor: "******, how the hell could this happen?? This is NOT what I told you to do? You did what?! *******" We thought the old man would have a heart attack.

Back to me, I'm weirding myself out. Here comes fall again. I just want to snuggle on a couch or my bed and watch a movie. Think, read a book. It makes me bored after a while though. I'm like a little doggie that needs to hang around people. Where is the party?

No.

I'm not feeling this. Not at all. I know how to do things on my own but it's boring as hell doing things alone. When things happen, there is no one to tell the stupid things to or to share something with. I have lived abroad for more than 8 years and I am well trained in how to live on my own and how to deal with it. Still, right now I am not feeling this. This sucks.

Kirsten is the person that is trying to make me happy. It's helping a bit. Still I just feel this weird thing inside of me. Like something is completely dead. I'm reading a book called "Robot" too and that's a bit how I feel.

Celina moved from NYC the other day. Now she is gone and this is seriously going to kill me. Not that I used to see her all the time but if the person that I started out with gave up and moved away, why would I continue? I guess I just feel sad that the person that I struggled with, did visas with..... is just gone. On the other side of the planet. We had our last talk on the phone the other day. It didn't feel real that I'm no longer going to be able to just pick up my cell phone and give her a call. Celina said: "I don't want to do this, I don't want to say good bye to you."
Also talked about what we want to do with our lives. Apparently, she is going to work with sales/merchandising in the Korea office and her dreams of running her own company seems gone. What happened? She always wanted to do that and work for Donna Karan. Time flies....

There is nothing that is holding me anymore. I love NYC for everything that it is. I'm very, very grateful that I got my job. It's one of the best things that ever happened. I just feel that I'm never able to merge everything at the same time. Job, friends, relationships, super excitement, busy, busy.... There is always a few that suffer. I wish I had a twin.

Today I just feel like an idiot. Everything is so weird and it's not fun. The only thing that can solve this mood is music. I listen to the same song again and again to make myself get back the speed. Then tomorrow I wake up and I go to work. Work my ass off and I'm happy Linda. It's all about the image, even though as I today just feel like crap.

Things just never go the way you want. But what does it matter? I don't even know what I want. All I know is that I want something and it's not to go back to the way things were before, some years ago. I can live with it, but it doesn't make me happy. I want more.

Why can't things just for once be easy? Where is the key to an easy, happy and no problem life? Does it even exist?

BBQ

So my landlord is doing some barbequing.... I'm on the edge of jumping off the balcony due to this! I would die for a barbeque right now, seriously. It smells so good! One of those sticks with food on.... yummy..... Now I get hungry.... REALLY hungry. I want to barbeque RIGHT NOW. How am I going to solve this issue?

Orka med folk liksom!

I'm weirded out. One of my ex best friends from high school has been trying to talk to me on Facebook for the past week. Claiming that we "should talk". I haven't spoken to her for 2-3 years. We grew away from each other and had a nasty event when she stayed with her boyfriend at my place many years ago. I still can't forgive her for the ONE THING she had to do when she was here: Bring my interview clothes to my job in the middle of the day so I could go to an interview. She never showed up and I had to go to the interview, 1/2 hour later with flip flops, dirty shirt and an ugly bag. Did I get the job? No, I came off as a complete idiot.

This is when Martin would say: "FUCK her! People like that have done there thing, DONE." So true. We will never fix our friendship. Sad, but true. So different values in life and point of views. Martin is still best friend with Adrian. I guess they have a better friendship than me and my ex best friend had. This girl has also managed to cut friendships left and right, my mom always underlines that. So I'm not the only one that is no longer friends with her.

All I want to know is what she wants though? I mean why now, many years later try to reach out after the 13 page trying-to-solve-our-friendship email, I sent to her many years ago that she never, not even once, replied back to? So lame.

My mom doesn't like her. When this happened many years ago my mom said: "But hasn't she done things like this before? It's so her? I remember you have been really sad about her before."
True.
Emmily, Josssan and Rocio can't stand this girl either. They always said: "We really can't see WHY you want to be friends with HER?" Now afterward I really don't know why. Or maybe, we had really fun when we randomly joined a break dance class. The intention was to met cute guys, HAHA. The guys in the break dance class turned out to be 12 years old and we were 18 years old. Also, it was nice to have a really close friend to do things with, that wasn't afraid to do the stupid things. No boundaries and unwritten rules how life should be lived.

I hate stuff like this. This is when Martin would say that I collect people with lost and confusion that suck out my energy until I'm messed up. I'm trying to solve friendships until the very last end. Even though the signs were there to not get solved.

I feel like a loser right now. Such a disaster. Sad. Alone. Or maybe not. Just, wtf? What have I done to get haunted by this old friend. Tearing up so much inside of me that I kept all stored in the back.

Of course she wants to know where I work, where I live - as with everything: Jealousy. I seriously can't deal with people that never knew what they wanted to do and never did anything and then take out their frustrations on me. What's wrong with people?! "Your life is your creation" someone told me long time ago, so true.

Such a lame talk on Facebook too! Apparently she's afraid of getting old and not feeling mature enough. Oh who cares! Life is great! I just think it gets better the more you know, the knowledge. I was a mess when I was 20. Didn't know ANYTHING, only that I wanted to be a designer. Everything else was just bad and I switched from happy to crying without stop in a second. Shit, this is what happens to people that never did anything that they wanted to do. Should I also add that she still had THE same job that she had when she was 18??? 10 years later??? The old summer job with crappy salary. Give me a break. I get a throw up attack when I hear stuff like this. MOVE ON for god's sake! Take a class at the university, expand, branch out, learn something new.... Start a new hobby - anything! That two people's life can take so different directions, it's crazy.

This is the girl that said when I said that I want to be the boss in the future, look further: "Well all people can't be bosses.... That's just how it is.... How would the world look then?"
Well then you become the person that is the boss! Forget about the rest! Don't look down on your own skills and your possibilities. I should be a coach.

Ok, where's the fun ppl? Anyone call me? I need to so something fun! NOW!